My liver just broke up with me...
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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