i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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