he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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