I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He did a backflip because drugs
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