feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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