Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
