So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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