i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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