my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
