That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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