I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
