omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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