so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
