I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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