I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
