You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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