Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
