am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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