Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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