Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
