why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize