I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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