I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
