I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
