dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
