Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
