Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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