I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
