Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
