I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
