so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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