So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
