My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
