Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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