I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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