Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
