so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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