The maid of honor just puked.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
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