I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Randomize
