why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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