I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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