My underwear smells like fireworks.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
