Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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