Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
