Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
At least life still wants to fuck me.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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