I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Randomize
