Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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