I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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