Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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