Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
ok first of all what the fuck
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
