I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
