I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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