Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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