you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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