She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
