we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
we're so committed to being not committed
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
