Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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