a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
