If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
