what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
