I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
