Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
