I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
