So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
